“Thin” dimensions became my reality…"
"Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoner suffering in iron chains, for they had rebelled against the words of God and despised the counsel of the Most High… Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains." Ps. 107:10, 11, 13, 14
I devoted this testimony to those who continue to search for his place in life; who among colo "palette" of life's styles, different opinions and changeable trends desires to remain faithful to himself. I address to those who has reached a deadlock and needs a miracle. To those who are thirst to know the truth about everything and to see more than a public opinion can allow. To those who loves a feat and has not refused to fly. I know for sure that God who made a miracle with me is strong enough to help you too. Do not be afraid, just believe!
There was a miracle of God in my life and I would like to share the most important thing that I understand now. I was born in a town Artyom in Primorsky region, Far East of Russia. My parents were ordinary people: Dad was a military officer, mother - a teacher of Russian and English. We moved to Kiev, lived in Baltic region and then we arrived to Primorsky region again. In school days, being like the majority of teenagers I wanted something greater than our "Great and Mighty country" could give. I did not like Marxist-Leninist "song", not only because there was no God’s faith, but because everyone must be like others. Gradually, searching for a greater reality, I began to use drugs. It seemed cool to me. Breakthrough in subconsciousness, strengthening creative abilities, a circle of new friends who understood the world around inadequately.
- I loved drug. The point was to be able to use them correctly and to be self-controlled.
After I had discovered hashish I became aware that it began to exhaust itself and all "the supreme and thin" things connected with it had gone with time. I went further, finding new subgroups - for example, stimulators. (The people have just understood Efedron; just a few in the city tried “mulka” (local opium drug). The formula has arrived from Moscow).
Though I was only 16, I was already addicted to drugs. I remember my friend and I have eaten 90 pils of Radedorm, than we have injected several packs of Efedrin and have added Taren. Only some days later I could tell what happened. (Today this doze can kill an adult person without "preliminary" preparation.
- But I did not like this "style". That was "bull staff" and I never liked "heavy" and "dulled" things, I wanted to live, not to fall into unconsciousness. Soon I got acquainted with people who understood "corrector" and I 'have driven" into completely new world. It was for me! Super sensitivity, free exit out of the reality through entering into parallel reality. Being inside you just play a role. Everybody thinks you are "crazy" but actually they are crazy; and what can be a criterion, what's normal and what's not? Generally it’s freedom.
Freedom from standards, norms and rules of understanding the reality. The "harder" you drive the cooler, because basically everybody drives, they just do not know about it. And the most interesting thing is that there were people who understood you and thought in the same way as you did. Those people became my friends and the circle of my contacts accepted new outlines. We ate psychotropic medicines and lived in a world that we created for ourselves. There were also those who ate them only to get into pleasant unconsciousness but it was something different. I wanted "thin" things and even drugs made of opium with their opportunities limited by physics stepped aside. All subgroups: - stimulators (dopes), opium (in different modifications) tranquillizers, hemp and even a small dozes of alcohol served as "sprinkles in the system of "correction." If you have learned to break through side effects (lump in the throat, obsessions, or different "changes") then basically you were close to get free from "complexes".
After returning from Kiev where I accompanied my Mon for operation I have got acquainted with local "hippies". There were not many of them at that time. And later, having selected this way, I have driven off to St. Petersburg for a "big hippie party".
The cafe "Saigon" - is the place of the hippie party in Nevskiy. Different "people": - punks, hippie, drug addicts, rock musicians, different figures gathered there. It was new; it was what I have been searching for. In summer when opium ripened there was no lack in “hanka” (drug, made of opium for injection).
We had fun at night, slept daytime. It was my party’s life.
- But as though through misty dream I realized more and more that deep inside myself I was not happy at all. I was empty. I've been searching for something different. Drugs, companies, sessions, hitch hick up all over Baltic and what will be farther, what will be then? I was getting worse, my heart started to harden and gradually I became hard even for myself. New people and friends did not impress me any more, life became gloomy like cloudy weather and it seemed as if evil fate breathed in my back, periodically coming down on me with next "trouble". I thought that may be I needed money and money could solve the problem. I've tried to commit crimes. But it did not work. There was constant pressure, you have to think much and to be always awake; I almost quit using drugs to understand operations more clearly. But that was not my world; my soul did not wish that. It's like you're given a refined delicacy, but you find something disgusting in it; everybody around says it is tasty, but you feel sick.
- Some time later I came back home to Vladivostok and understood that all spheres where I had been were not mine. Who am I? Can't I relax and have rest with all of my heart? Why should I obey the order of this world to be accepted and to survive? Is it the destiny of each person?
- There were also periods of depression. I remember I hammered windows in my apartment with blankets so that light inside could not be visible from outside at night as in crypt, and again I accepterdrugs. I did not want to see anything, I have just quit everybody and have gone. Sometimes my friends and I (under "wheels" - under drug pils), walked at a cemetery "just for fun" up to "Illusions" when crosses shove at night. I often did not lock the door of my apartment, who should I be afraid of? I was a monster myself. I have not cut my hair for 3 years, I had a plait, I always wore black glasses and a hood. Later I found out that local guys named me "Abaddon" behind my back. i.e. "Angel of abyss".
- Once one of my friend, a rock musician, helped me to make an invitation to the USA and I decided to run away, i.e. to leave for America, to get mixed with local "hippies" and then to reach Amsterdam which was considered a paradise for "people." There was freedom there and if something might be wrong - the 'gold injection" and… the end of the film. Without knowing language, having no contacts I began to prepare documents to get visa. If to play then to play for high stakes to escape from web of the past. My friend left first and suddenly came back. He said: "I have believed in Christ". I did not seek for it and I thought that I would go on my own. But deep inside something "has trembled." May be this is what I really need?
- And while I was preparing all papers for departure (it was not popular yet, it was 1991) I unexpectedly went through the experience that changed all my life completely and continues to change it today. I have experienced the revelation of the reality of God. It was a usual day. I was preparing for the departure saying good-bye to the city, to my friends; I was thinking about the meaning of life, about what waits for me. You see I was going to making a very dangerous step: to leave for a foreign country almost without money, without knowing English. What did I hope for? And suddenly at one moment I realized with all my heart that God exits! And this God sees me! And I am not indifferent to Him. And if He exists what am I doing without Him? That's what I needed all my life, that was knowledge I had not had. I had been blind, that's why I wandered. I became filled with such love, that I could place all the world in my heart and warm it.
- I fell down on a bench in the park and began to cry like a little boy. Probably, it was the first time for long years of lethargy. People were passing by, birds were flying by and I saw heaven and this heaven saw me. I knew I was accepted. At that moment I understood the most important thing and with that revelation I could win everything!
- 10 years have passed since the day of my conversion but it's still living in me today. Now I know that God loves me and accepts me such as I am. He is a good Father, who knows me completely, who leads me by the way that He destined for me. After this experience I could not be the same person. Inner changes caused external changes. Drugs began to confuse me. The purity, confidence and heavenly joy which have logged inside me were afflicted with each use of drugs. My conscience woke up and became thousand times more sensitive than before and it was not weakness, but strength - strength of heavenly life pleasing Christ. Today they ask me: haven't you really felt seek. Don't you really want to try drugs again? I respond: I do not even struggle because it can not be comparable with what God gives. It's just garbage! Yes, there was a little struggle as devil used to hold me in the slavery of sin very strong. It was necessary to have hardness - hardness to reject things that offends God. I have left dirt and impurity and testyfied friends about my decision. I was trying to run away from myself to America but now when I received God in my heart, I'm trully free.
- Today Jesus Christ is my Savior and Friend; He set me free from darkness in which I had lived; in my trip I saw the hell I lived in and the paradise where God calls each of us. I gave my soul to devil when I have concluded the covenant with him by drinking my own blood. But God came and rescued me. Today I know where I go, what I should do and how to live. God helps me and leads me. Yes, it's not always easy, but we, believers, have God who helps us and gives us grace to live with Him according to His will.
- God gave me His blessing. He gave me true friends - the whole family of God's children. Since that time I have been to different places and countries of the world and in every place where people have Living Christ in their heart, I feel home, in my family.
- God gave me wife and three wonderful children - a girl and two boys. They are like angels and they praise God from their first steps. God gave me a chance to be in Amsterdam where I was supposed to be 10 years ago and possibly to die there. And there, being among God's people, I appreciated God's mercy to me and I devoted myself to Him again!
- And today I believe that Jesus the Lord leads me to heavenly Fatherland where after our earthly life I will be with my beloved Christ and God eternally.
- Dear friend, no matter who you are, wherever you are and what you're going through, be aware that God who has created you sees you, loves you and waits for your calling Him. Call Him with all your heart, just like a child to Dad, repent in your sins, call Him and entrust Him your life and He'll accept you and He will make a great miracle in your life that will change everything inside and around you from black to white.
Jesus Christ has died so that you could live eternally.
Do not be afraid, just believe!
Loving and praying for you,
your friend Roman